IV. Momma Bear Mode - Engaged!

Hey! So sorry about my brief hiatus. This past Tuesday, I, as my family calls it, "turned the chemo corner". So because of this, I have taken FULL advantage of the gorgeous summer weather (and my slightly improved white blood cell count) and completely indulged in all sorts of outdoor fun. But every blogger needs some time in their nice AC office (bed) to relax and keep up with their posts. So, here I am.

P.S. I hope I didn't keep you sitting on the edge of your seat, anxiously awaiting what happens next. But if so, let's just pick up where we left off.

As you probably guessed, the lump didn't go away. Instead of waiting until the end of the week, my mom (who at this point had gone into full "momma bear mode") dragged me back to my doctor's office, adamant that something was not right. This time, I ended up meeting with a different doctor, actually nurse practitioner to be exact. After taking my vitals, examining the lump, and discussing my symptoms, she suggested that a repeat blood panel be completed. Now, I wasn't thrilled about her decision, but like I said before, I am by no means a doctor or nurse or nurse practitioner. And I certainly was not going to disagree with her recommendation or course of action. However, the same couldn't be said for my mom.

I love my mom. So much. And mom, if you're reading this now, thank you. If it hadn't been for you advocating for me in that office, I'm not sure how long I would have gone without being diagnosed. But like I said, my mom had gone full on momma bear, some may even say "tiger mom". You get the point. She was sick and tired of me being, well... sick and tired. She kindly explained our family medical history and ever-so-politely requested a CT scan be completed. And just like that, at 4:00 that afternoon I was booked for a scan of my neck.

Waiting. Waiting was hands down THE.WORST.PART. But luckily enough I didn't have to wait too long. When we got home from the CT appointment, my mom decided to leave quickly to run a few errands. My dad and sister were still working, so I was home alone. I decided to calm my nerves and take my mind off of things by snuggling up with my dog, Clifford, and watching.. yup you guessed it, The Office. I had just gotten comfy when the phone rang. It was the nurse practitioner:

NP: "Hi Rebecca. I have the results of your CT scan. Is it okay if I share them with you over the phone?"

Me: Yes, that's fine. (*no no no, I'd really rather not be alone for this!!*)

NP: "So today's imaging picked up the swollen lymph node on your neck, which we knew about. But it also picked up several similar slightly enlarged lymph nodes a bit lower down."

*silence*

NP: I also want to let you know that it seems there may be more enlarged lymph nodes in your chest, but we did not get a full diagnostic image as this was only a neck CT. I don't want you to worry, but I would like you to come in tomorrow morning for a chest CT to get a better picture of what is going on.

Me: *standing frozen* Ok.

NP: Like I said, I don't want you to worry. We're just in the process of putting all of the pieces together. We are hoping to have some answers for you by tomorrow.

I don't really remember hanging up the phone or even saying goodbye for that matter. She was so calm on the phone. How could she be that calm? I was internally freaking out. To make matters worse, I was home alone. After attempting to call every member of my family, and failing, (am I the only one who can never successfully contact a family member during an emergency??!) I resorted to Google. I began frantically typing in things like "swollen lymph nodes in neck", "enlarged lymph nodes in chest" and "CT scan showing enlarged lymph nodes". You could say I was spiraling.

My anxiety didn't stop there. It continued long after I had completed the chest CT the following morning, and stayed with me until I received a call that afternoon with the results. This time from the doctor. Crap. Luckily for this call, I was in the car with my mom and boyfriend, Tom (although I'm pretty sure I ended up blacking out anyway). The results of this scan revealed a mediastinal soft tissue mass measuring approximately 5.4 x 2.5 cm. Additional enlarged lymph nodes were also identified at the base of my neck.

You may be wondering if, at this point, I knew it was most likely lymphoma. And the answer is yes. In fact, my mom asked the doctor directly during the phone call if, she too, thought it was lymphoma. "At this point we cannot make any definite conclusions, but I believe it is." After several minutes of my mom and I asking questions (and basically word-vomiting through the phone), my doctor recommended that I be referred to a local surgeon who could complete a biopsy of the visible lymph node on my neck to determine if it was in fact malignant. That night, I went home and cried. I cried because I was scared, but I also cried because I knew. I knew that it was cancer and I knew that the next few days, weeks, and months were going to be more than just a challenge, and I didn't exactly know how to prepare myself for that.